mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
