got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She needs sedatives and a leash
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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