I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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