A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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