You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
