I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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