Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
