when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we're making bets on your personal life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
