Soap is not a condiment
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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