I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
