Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
