i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
