If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
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He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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