you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
