I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
