I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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