I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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