Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
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I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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