omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
