Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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