I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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