Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
