.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
