he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
