Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
