no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
