I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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