I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Randomize
