So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
