i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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