decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
