my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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