Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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