your room smells of hookers.
And success
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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