My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
