my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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