Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
