the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
honey bunches of taint.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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