Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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