Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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