Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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