"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
