i think my mom watched the whole time
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
