I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
