well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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