I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
