I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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