I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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