How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
