Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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