Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
