i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
