If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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