I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
