I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
