haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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