it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
