Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I will pee on everything he values.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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