I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
