you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
