Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
